I now understand that it is an intense fear of abandonment and rejection. I feel that I can not cope without certain people and can't be away from them.
My husband is one of those people. He is my husband, my rock and my best friend. I know he loves me we are happily married. But I can not survive without him. I can't even bare the thought of living without him. I follow him around the house so that I am always with him. This includes when he's in the shower! He also has to sit with me whilst I am in the shower. I don't want to do this because I don't want him to get sick of it. But right now my fear outdoes any rational thoughts I may have. My husband makes me feel safe and I can always rely on him. When I was discharged from hospital and he went back to work I was a complete wreck. I cried and self harmed and cried some more.
The first time I went into crisis I lived at home. After being discharged from hospital my mum took time off to look after me. I'm also addicted to my mum. I want her to stay at home with me all day even though I live in my marital home. I want my mum every time I feel ill. I have real fears about her not being around. If she doesn't answer my phone call or text or doesn't speak to me for a few days I begin to panic and think that she is not my friend anymore. When she went back to work after my first crisis I tantrumed like a small child. The pull towards my mum was massive. If she stays at her caravan in the holidays for over a week I feel abandoned. I cannot speak to her about it until I rationalise it. Then I apologise. Since my mum has known I have been ill and I was diagnosed we have worked hard in our relationship and now she is my mum and my friend. I love spending time with her.
My dad is not my biological father but I am addicted to him! He's had me since I was 2 years old. At 16 I changed my surname to his and started calling him dad. He gave me away on my wedding day too! I have put my dad on a pedestal and he stays there and God help anyone that tries to slightly knock him off. He spent the night in A&E with me after my overdose. He heard things and saw things that dads should never see or hear. It helped him understand me more. He helps me and my mum. He only tells my mum what she can handle and I talk to him about those things. I have to keep him close because I have a fear of losing another dad. But he is the most amazing man in the world and is still stood by me. He understands me completely and it only makes us stronger. I crave spending time with him and if I'm near him breathing in the same air I feel safe and secure. I also tantrumed when he went to work.
All of the people I am addicted to know that I am and discourage this behavior. It never works. I need to see, touch and hear them in my space. I am so scared of them leaving me. I know they are not that type of people but my illness makes me believe otherwise, a lot of the time is that I am not worthy of these lovely people and if I'm not with them some one will take them away or they will forget about me. I know as I am writing this post that this is not true! They are going no where and neither am I .