For people that suffer this way, feel imprisoned in their environment but are too frightened to step over the threshold and into the big wide world. It can feel lonely and cause all sorts of impulsive behaviour when in an uncomfortable place. I can sometimes manage it and other days im scared to go in the garden.
So I am going to describe the best I can knowing that I am meeting up with friends and family this evening and what struggles I am already facing.
-I do not yet have a specific time to leave the house, This straight away makes me think negatively. To order a taxi I will have to speak on the phone, then I will have to get it booked without stumbling over my own words and then I have to leave the front door in order to get into that taxi.
- I also have to decide what I am wearing. This is hard for most women. In my head I demand myself to; Dress like a wife, don't wear revealing clothes so I can blend in. I am tall so that causes people to comment. It feeds negativity in my head as I am not very good at handling compliments as I am always paranoid about genuine comments.
- If I walk in before my husband everyone with look at me and stare. I don't want anyone to look at me that I don't know. It makes me frightened.
- I am also fully aware that I am defensive and often aggressive with people that I think pose risk to my friends and family, even if it is a 93 year old bingo caller.
-My husband is MINE don't touch, smile or go anywhere near him, I trust him but I cant trust you.
-People will talk about me because they can see my vulnerability and take advantage of it.
- I don't want to go to the toilet alone, my mum needs to be with me.
- I want a cigarette but people I walk past will stare.
- If I run into people that have caused me trouble or trauma I will end up having a panic attack and everyone will stare.
-I have no confidence so I cant go to the bar myself and get a drink because the people I have to walk past will stare and in a tight que a man may touch me by accident but I will just freak out.
-I hate men that are strangers they frighten me, If they look I will just withdraw and hide behind my husband.
-I need to be able to see either my mum, dad or husband at all times otherwise some one may upset me and I cant protect myself
-If I go out my tremors will become severe and everyone will notice.
These are just a few thoughts that enter my head when I am managing to control it. When it takes over me I have to just stay within my living room at home, Going to the toilet alone at home is sometimes a battle. I miss appointments and some social and family events because of this condition and it is a small part of my BPD diagnosis.
If you are professional, a family member or friend that gets annoyed if people keep missing appointments without a believable reason, Don't fall out with them, accuse them of lying or any other negative words. You don't actually know what's happening in their life. This can often cause and increase the anxiety. Have a little more patience and step
back from the situation and evaluate whether you think they really did have a bout of forgetfulness or if it has happened it maybe part of an illness that they are hiding, family troubles or they really cant be bothered. Other people being patient and mindful about how the deal with times , deadlines etc. etc. can help someone build up the confidence to attend the next time. Give them a ring or text and just say 'I hope you are ok? You didn't come so I thought I would just check In and make sure your ok.' What reason they give, don't jump down their throat or become snappy. Treat other people mindfully as you never know what the consequences may be at the other end.
Fears are boulders that are laid by the brain, you have to be the worlds strongest man or a crane to get rid of fear altogether. My fears are just about everything in the world, so I do have more boulders. When I am managing I can clear a path between them and walk through, when it becomes intense I run head first into each one.