As you know this is my first blog entry since Christmas Eve and I have managed to stay well between then and now. Of course it hasn't been without battles, but I'm here to share those with you!
Christmas Eve was lovely. I watched Christmas tv and spent most of the time with my husband. I gave my thoughts to those that couldn't be here for Christmas, but I didn't dwell in those thoughts. I miss the people I have lost at Christmas time but I have a family that's is to look after too. It is ok to allow certain thoughts to play out as long as it is done in a safe way in an environment that doesn't challenge you. I couldn't sleep very well and ended up getting up really early on Christmas Day.
On Christmas Day I was tired through t lack of sleep. But I managed to cook a dinner and provide a nice Christmassy day for my family. After eating dinner I had to take time out to nap on the bed. If I was going to spend the rest of the day with my family I needed to sleep. I struggled with sleep again and didn't go to bed until the early hours. It's a price I had to pay for afternoon napping. I sat alone in the night worrying about the traditional Boxing Day plans. My family all meet up in our local and spend the day drinking, eating and chatting. I do enjoy being with my family but I knew that it would be busy. I was frightened about being around that many people. I finally managed to get some sleep, I was surprised as I was fully expecting a big bout of insomnia after Christmas Eve night.
Boxing Day came and I had to get ready. This in itself was a feat. I have to go through a process in the mirror. Is my dress too short? Are my tights see through? Is my hair ok? Make up not too much? What will my husband think? Do I dare wear heels and make myself even taller than my 6 ft bare footed frame.? Am I going to attract attention? Are people going to look at me? Will they talk about me? Will they pass comment? I set up an awkward environment before I even get to where I am going. I am just so frightened about strangers looking at me.
When I entered the room everyone turn towards the door if they are sat near it. That's because I seem to live in a town where everyone one knows your life story and if they don't they make it up. I panicked and literally ran from my husband to my mum. I couldn't cope with being looked at. I sat down and stayed there. I started with tremours in my hands and legs and my breathing began to quicken. I had to calm myself down and breathe. I did it! I relaxed and much as I could and scanned the room for potential and often made up threats numerous times. I made it through the day, it was hard but I still did it. I was relieved to walk through my front door. But I don't want to break a habit of a lifetime on Boxing Day for my ridiculous brain.
Yesterday I rested. I was so physically tired I was in pain with my muscles especially in my legs. I ached from head to toe and didn't feel too well. But I made it ! I am here right now today writing this.
So if you are reading this give yourself a round of applause because you deserve it. Just three days of surviving is a mountain and you got to the top and placed your flag. Be proud always.