The victim
When I am being a victim, I do not want any responsibility for what I say, do or need to do. As a young girl my parents used to tell me to stop being a victim. I used to think that they were just being heartless. But actually I do adopt this role and turn into a little girl. Everything about my life is negative and I refuse to see the positives to exist in a world of woes. Being a victim actually makes you vulnerable and more at risk of harm.
If I am being a victim ;
- need to feel submissive but safe. This I usually demand from my husband to take charge and direct me. This frustrates him as he is not that way inclined he wants us to be equals.
- I will not stand up for myself or my beliefs in fear of confrontation.
- what I want or need is not important.
-I am sensitive and cannot make choices and do not want to do anything that includes this.
- not wanting to take steps forward because I am too weak or I can't.
- I will not take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings. Everyone else has made me like this.
The rescuer
If some one else in the conversation I may be a rescuer. I may take in their woes, problems and weaknesses. If I can't change it I feel inadequate. I will try to find answers for the victim in the conversation when they do not include me . I will try and make everything better even if they do not want or need it. If they do not listen I can become a victim or a persecutor.
If I am being a rescuer;
- feel safer for helping this that are less fortunate to prevent me worrying about my fortunes being taken away.
- need to rid myself of selfishness and guilt.
-to feel valued by those I rescue.
-rescue others to suppress my own feelings about myself and my life and to dampen my own anxiety.
-To selfishly feel an increase in my own sense of entitlement.
-To try and control other people's feelings to forget about my own.
The persecutor
In this position I am the superior to everything and everyone. People do not live by my expectations and this causes me frustration and anger. I am able to set goals for people that don't even know I have or am setting them. I try to blame, wrongly educate and dominate. This is out of character for me and can easily cause a confrontation but I will be stubborn or just withdraw because I know better than you. Being a victim often leads to others being more able to persecute you!
If I am being a persecutor;
-put other people down to make me feel better
- need to be in control of everything mentally and physically.
-I am always right so I will be judgemental and even self righteous.
-if you pose a threat I will become anger to the point of dangerous in order to protect myself.
-I will criticise and blame you. For things in the past, the now or what I think you will do in the future.
-demand obedience in order to feel safe as the other is following my rules.
- I have no weakness and if you test it I will use anger.
So as you can see you can be in all three categories in the same conversation. It can change in seconds. Most of the time I stay in one role for most of the day and stick to it even if I become exhausted from playing out these roles. Being in this triangle can cause me to become a victim, rescuer or persecutor at any time and the other person/people can be pushed around the roles by myself or even change their own category. In a environment where you do not know others it can be dangerous. For those that are close to you, even if they understand which role you are partaking in they cannot stop it and they may not realise that they themselves have taken upon a role.
This can happen to any person at any point without realisation. For someone with mental health problems it can cause devestating affects. It can cause you to push everyone away because of your own fear. It can cause others to push you away because they have had enough and they don't understand.
The triangle is hard to break. For me I pick out the most positive behaviour from each role and combine them into one and apply this model into each conversation. For instance I may be talking to my husband and feel that I am a victim. I can care for him without putting myself in a false sense of submissiveness. But I will remain kind and gentle. I will not try and help him when he doesn't need it or as others may recognise this as trying to tell your grab how to suck eggs. But I will be there for support if he needs and/or wants it. I will not blame him for how my illness makes me feel, I will listen to his guidance without becoming a persecutor myself. I will not withdraw after he advises me and offers constructive criticism and I will not blame him for how I react.
Once you have created a closer knit triangle you can begin to notice the roles and begin to decrease the extremity of each one as you swap roles. Mound yourself into a mixture of each role and never fall into one role or allow others to fall into a role. Be strong and dictate your own personality and role.
Do not label others or yourself according to your own thoughts and feelings. What we all crave is the rid of stigma, so do not label others as you see fit. Bring us all down to an even level of being ourselves and a mixture of all the positives in each role of the frame triangle.