My parents breakup and what followed afterwards affected my mental health greatly. It affects me everyday and every minute.
- I fear that my dad will leave me. I cannot lose 2 dads in one life time. I want to breath in the same oxygen and be close to him so I can cling on to him.
- I cannot deal with any type of rejection! Even someone not keeping an appointment with me is a rejection.
- I try and protect my mum and dad from everything. I don't even live there and they are fully capable adults. Nothing can get in between them or me and them. I also do this to protect my younger brother from ever having to feel the same way.
- I put my biological father on a pedestal after he stopped seeing me. I couldn't understand and thought that he would come around.
-I acted terribly from being 13 towards life in general and the ones I love. I lost my friendship with my mum and dad. In fact it was a slanging match each day. Each day'i caused trouble. That now causes feelings of deep guilt.
- As a young child I ate wallpaper , destroyed a Christmas tree and sat in a cupboard eating dry pasta! And that was before he cut me out completely.
- the last time I saw my half sister was when she was 3 months old. I am bitter that she doesn't know that I exist and has had the rights to know her sister taken away.
- for most of my life I tried to hurt those closest to me including my mum. I thought that if they left me then I wouldn't have to worry about it happening in the future.
- I wanted to feel secure so badly that I thought I would be more secure alone with no family so that no one could hurt me.
- it has led me through a series of destructive relationships with family friends and partners.
- I need people to say they love me repeatedly for me to believe it.
- I still fear that if I make a mistake. No matter how small, that I have hurt then again and they won't like or love me.
See, it never goes away. And I still doubt things in the moment. Iwas lucky to rebuild my relationships when I started my recover. I put the people I love through hell and let the people I thought loved me put me through hell. I am happy now. I know my husband is here forever, so are my family, friends and my best friend Cat. But it never stops the doubt. I still think about my father and what our relationship would be like now. The conclusion is I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of knowing and being involved with me, my husband or his step grandson. I will not put him near my loved ones it's too much of a risk. It is a privilege to be a parent and some people forget that. My dad is my whole world, I even have some of his traits and morals. He taught me how to be a good step parent to my stepson. He more than fills the shoes of an amazing dad. It just took me a while to get there. I am celebrating my first wedding anniversary this weekend. My dad walked me down the aisle, he is on my marriage certificate, I call him dad and I was given away as a Holtby. That makes me the proudest and most content daughter in the world.