So here goes.. My fears
- I am scared when something on my body changes. I may see a new mark. I don't know where it has come from. Did I do it? Where is that from? Is it serious ? The most frightening body change was when I saw a clump of my hair wash onto the floor due to medication side affects causing hair loss. I instantly thought I was going bald. But actually after speaking to my doctor and hairdresser it wasn't as much as I first thought.
- If I sense a mood change in the people I love. I am scared that I am the cause of this. What have I done? Are they going to abandon me? Do they not like me anymore? I must be a bad person or this wouldn't happen. I don't want them to abandon me in scared I don't want to be in my own I won't be able to cope.
- The big wild world outside my home is dangerous and too anxiety provoking. What if I go out and have a panic attack? What if I see someone that triggers bad memories? What if I get attacked, if I'm on my own no one will know! It's far too frightening in the garden because it's outside.
- That particular person hasn't spoke to me in days. Have I hurt them? Will they not love me? Have I offended them?
-abandonment
-illness
-people
-future events and life events
- men
-confrontational behaviour
- strangers
- strangers coming too close
- myself
-Everything
-Potencial threats and hurt that my family may be exposed to
The list goes on. A lot of these are not often rational and have no evidence to support them. But some times it just feels too real for them to go away. If I am given news it's always the worst case senario that I fear and fully believe is going to happen.
The only way to rationalise and begin to control fear is to challenge the fear itself. Identify the trigger to the fear and disect it. It's takes practise just like all coping mechanisms. The professionals can teach CBT and DBT all day long. From experience fancy names and charts just complicate it and that can overwhelm you. Take a few pointers and add common sense.
1. What is the main fear at the start of my thought process. I am scared of abandonment. I don't want my mum to abandon me.
2. What evidence supports this fear? Well we do argue sometimes and we don't see eye to eye on some things. She has gone to the caravan for 6 weeks. She hasn't spoke to me for 24 hours.
- What evidence goes against this fear? I have always been around my mum since I was born. I have always live mainly with her. I have done worse things than be ill and hurt her and she has never left my side. She says she loves me. She tries to help. She is still my mum even if we don't live together.
3. Compare. We hadn't argued recently or for a long time. She goes to the caravan to rest because she works in a difficult job. She can unwind and enjoy herself and keep healthy. I am an intense person to deal with and even mums need a break. We haven't spoken in 24hours but I haven't contacted her either!
- how do I feel now? I feel if I ring my mum and she answers I am still her friends and she wants to talk to me. I want her to be well in body and mind so her resting stops me panicking about her health in the future. I can stop this fear earlier next time by just ringing her straight away!
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. When you come back to reality and through the tunnel of gloom and fear use t to you advantage. Remember the result you got the last time and use it to cope better with rationality. If you are still unsure repeat the how do I feel? Stage to work out what you haven't acted on or thought about this time to jog your memory. Practise it over and over every time you stabilise after a fear. Mental health problems have funny ways of changing tactic but if you stick to a method that work for you, in time you can deal with new ones head on, comfortably and even more important SAFELY ! If you have a loved one that is not ready to start this process alone. Do it for them on a one to one basis stick to the stages. When they are more stable they have a better fighting chance of remembering how you broke it down for them.
Next time someone says that's stupid I'm not scared. Just have a small laugh inside knowing that it's true but something else makes them feel exactly the same way.